The Monetary Blessing

My debut to the working society was on 2^nd May, 2012, the first day of work. It was a bright and sunny morning; the sky was in a wonderful shade of blue. Even my severely blistered toes rubbing in my new shoes could not interfere with my excitement and determination to do well for this new season in life, especially when it was so filled with the approval and assurance of God. My God is a good God. Based on the fact that it didn’t take long for me to obtain the job; it was almost immediate how I came across the position opening, got interviewed the next day and signed my first permanent full time employment contract the day after that. Surely, it’s God’s providence and guidance.

Being a fresh polytechnic graduate, it was a massive blessing with the offered basic pay and the addition of other allowances. It was more than I had asked for compared to the standard market rate. More importantly, now, I have secured a durable source of income to provide a better support for my parents and my siblings’ university tuition. From the most practical standpoint, I am convinced that it was good to be at work and making useful contributions to the family. Moreover, I was exhilarated that there is no more need to yawn through textbooks and boring lectures. Work is definitely far more agreeable than all those dreadful homework. Ah– And the wings of financial liberty gave me a delightful independence.

Thank God He had sent many people to share titbits of insightful knowledge concerning the management of finance. For example getting a savings account, keeping track of monthly expenditures, staying away from credit cards and putting a limit to online shopping. Since my commitment was trivial at this point, I got by quite easily. Although I had to exercise self-constraint for impulsive shopping urge from time to time, it wasn’t hard to make ends meet. A third of my net wage goes to family. Another third goes to savings and tithing. The remains are for my insurance, bills and daily expenses. Pretty neat, huh? I have had it all planned out like a perfect Tetris combination.

That was what I thought.

It commenced wonderfully. I gave to my family cheerfully, taking great pride in the good I am doing. It was almost the most honourable deed I could have done in my entire life thus far. Everything was great. Sometime later, I cultivated a habit of having personal ice-cream time after my salary had been credited into my bank account. It was enjoyable to treat oneself for the hard work one had put in and at the same time to coax the heart into a more pleasurable mood of giving. The luxury of passing time alone with my heart conditioner soon became the breather that I cannot do without. I had forgotten since when but the honour that I was extremely proud of gave way under the invisible gravity of stress which led to tardiness with my giving and had multiplied the relentless naggings from my mum, finally and irrevocably poisoned my joy. What was left was simply a strenuous responsibility, the shadow of a looming adulthood.

-

The most joyous period for many typical Chinese families in Singapore is the period from end-January to mid-February. The celebration of Lunar New Year is filled with all things good, highly anticipated holidays, sales everywhere, well-wishing songs, festive treats, quality time with family, exchanging of blessings, loads of gatherings and feastings. And the red packets. The ang baos… are my dilemma since money is an extremely sensitive topic at home. Well, just a few years before it was not much of a worry at all, in actual fact they will always be warmly welcomed. Nevertheless, since I was brought up in such a practical family and in such a practical society, the only sensible thing I could do is to have my parents covered for the red bombs ahead. That is the right thing to do.

I asked my dad if the amount I had in mind was enough since being involved with this annual budget was so new to me. He assured me that there should not be any problems just like those antecedent years. My parents went ahead to prepare what we needed and with the festival around the corner, we appeared to be all set.

On New Year’s Eve, my mum asked for another two hundred or three. I cannot remember the exact amount now but I knew that I did not have enough, so I told her to wait for a couple of days for my next paycheque is about to be credited in by the bank soon. I simply assumed that there was not any special urgency for that money but it did not sit right with me to keep her waiting so I gave my mum the red packets I received from house visits within that couple of days.

Unfortunately, it was a still short.

We were at my grandmother’s place for lunch that day. She pulled me aside and asked for the money, again. Why? What’s with the rush? My suspicions and accumulated vexations were finally unleashed by a single tactless grumble. “Didn’t I just give you some money?” It was the exasperation in my tone which had prompted her to explain. She said she needed some more to give to my grandparents. I nodded my head in agreement. Yes, we should do that. She went on saying that the money which I had contributed earlier was given to my undergraduate brother as his monthly allowance. Towards that new piece of information, I failed miserably at hiding my appalled reaction. My mum’s dubious money management came to me as a tight slap. I mean… Why? My brother had received red packets too, you know? Is he really in need of that money now? If he truly needed the money would I not have given it to him? So why? How could you be so considerate towards my brother and not a little more thoughtful for me?

It wasn’t anger. It was my heart breaking from her unspoken implications of what – or more precisely – of whom had held more weight in her heart. I had naively believed that my middle child fate can be halted by indifference. Every question I had in mind leads to another and the more I think the more restless I get, but before I could find my footing in this mental flash flood, her quiet accusation had pierced through, shattering and scattering the remains of my heart.

“If you don’t want to give, then say so earlier.”

-

She wouldn’t have understood how much damage her remark caused. No, she couldn’t. My mother, against all her stereotypes, is a woman of very few words. Her stubborn awkwardness with speech and her incompetence to express her emotions are the effects caused by unending suppression and exhaustion she experienced over the past few decades. Upon her dainty shoulders bear the burden of raising 3 blissfully ignorant and stupid brats, a half-paralyzed and bankrupted husband, and a house of piling debts. She definitely did not have an easy life but she pulled through with a fierce perseverance using up every ounce of strength that she could possibly muster. She would collapse into bed after work, after chores, after putting the children to sleep, after checking her husband’s health progression. And after all these years of repetition, the stolen time and effort required for simple communication had never been restored. Our family’s circumstances had taken a huge toil on her. My mother is the strongest woman I know, yet, she has not realised the power of her harden words storming out from her harden heart.

But she was right.

She saw through what I desperately tried to keep hidden as I withheld myself in my giving. That unwillingness veiled by a façade of sacrificial sensibility. It was shamefulness on top of hurt.

-

My grandmother’s house was only three streets away and I deliberately tracked a longer route on my way back with my slow snail pace, hoping that the walk would clear my head while I took the time to redefine a few important things - money, family, and responsibilities. Where had understanding gotten lost to? Why had everything went wrong in the first place? What was I supposed to do? Remembering that glimpse of disdain felt like salt on my raw exposed flesh, the pain and the anguish burnt into my heart, refusing to be extinguished by streaming hot tears. I was thoroughly lost in this mess of brokenness and self-condemnation.

At that juncture, the street possessed a sort of silenced busyness. Perhaps, it was because I was in a self-absorbed state. On my left was a bustling traffic on the pitch black asphalt road, cars and yellow taxis busy with their passengers. The right was a HDB building in its bright passionate red paint with young trees planted along the sideway strewn in a refreshing and lively green. It was still a bright and sunny afternoon; the sky was in a wonderful shade of blue. Perhaps, it was because God was trying to reach me?

Emmanuel, God is with me.

I cried to God. I believed my mother had wronged me by denying the efforts I had put in since the very beginning. I refused to empathize with her just as she had not with me. I blamed her for the stress from her nagging and insensitivity which resulted in our straining relationship. But I recognised how wrong I was. It was pride that I was corrupted with all along.

And I cried to God. Even before I had forgotten since when, arrogance had taken over the reign in what I do and what I think. Why was I serving my family? Surely it was not for God, it was not even for my family but to feed myself with a pompous vanity. Forgetting the blessings were from above and praising myself for working hard. Who was I trying to glorify? Surely it was not God. Who am I kidding? It was all for me, myself and I! Forgetting His sovereignty from the heavens and relying on a meticulously scheduled formula. Who was I putting my faith upon? Surely not God because I had long forgotten about God, pushed Him out of my deeds, my thoughts, and my life. I dared to call myself Christian, going to church but not following Christ. How much more pretentious could I have been?

I am a sinner. I wanted to be a better daughter but the words and actions don’t match. I wanted to be as generous as I can but my mind and my hands don’t match. Logic and reasons are all set in the right places but my heart was restrained by a hidden greed of selfishness. I can’t even love my own family as my convictions were constantly flunked out from the priority list by this vile centeredness. How am I supposed to love God and His people or anyone else? How useless I am. How helpless I am. This, I cried to the Lord.

And He heard me.

At that very spot His presence and patience comforted me as I bawled in repentance beside the road blacker than sin itself. Not only does He cares and listens, His mercy lifted the burden of stress from my weary little mind and forgave me for forgetting Him and indulging in pride. He waited and continued to wash me over with His grace until the budding of new peace and joy and thanksgivings.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

He set before me two choices. The first: a fist with a stubborn grip holding onto what the world thinks as important. The second: a heart that burns with love for people and one that He declared free. What more obvious choice do I have that would bring honour to God? I refuse a life without hope in that cursed downward spiral of shame and guilt. Thank you, Jesus. For bringing me back to the path so that I can walk right with you.

Money is an extremely sensitive topic in my family. Its importance is undeniable but it is not, and should not be, the number one to life. It remains a huge necessity to our living but at the end of the day, it is not about how much wealth you had accumulated or how quintessence of a life you have lived. It is tough to sustain a happiness which comes from such a fleeting source because it empties quicker than we liked it to. Worst still if a life is lived addicted to the cycle of filling that ever-existing gap within his or her unsatisfied heart.

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” 1 Timothy 6:10 (NIV)

But the God Almighty is able to give us a heart of contentment with whatever, much or little, we have and grow it with our faith in the Lord. God reminded me that the priority is to love people using money and materials, strictly not vice versa.

God is my provider; whatever He blesses me with will be sufficient, this includes what I have in mind to give away as a blessing from God through me. Trusting in the Lord’s sovereignty that no matter what financial storm or tsunami we face in the future, He is able to calm it and deliver us through.  Of course, I am not instigating anyone to hate money. I am also not saying that with God’s sovereignty as a safety net, we are covered under every circumstance so there is no need to save up and freely spend as we like. The limit to what we can do in a tsunami may be out of our control, may God help us then, but God had given us the wisdom and ways to seek shelter in a rain. Money is a wonderful resource that we ought to learn to steward well.

There is a part we can play in the heavenly kingdom and that is to follow Jesus in all that He does, which includes being generous that poured out from His unconditional love for us. Our hearts are molded after His which made it possible for us to follow His ways and become the people who are more Christ-like. It is a personal choice to be a blessing and bless other people.

“Freely you have received; freely give.” Matthew 10:8b (NIV)

When the Holy Spirit moved, the worldly chains of monetary came loose. While I’m still struggling at times, the responsibility of giving did become a lot easier because it is no longer about the money or the amount, but as cliché as it may sound, it is about the heart. Whether if it is giving to my family, to God’s cause, to friends, to the people on the streets, the act of giving has been a lot more joy-filled because when there is peace in the heart and it is eager in giving blessings, the hands let go quickly and actions follow suit.

We are the 2 loaves of bread and 5 small fishes, and God is the multiplying miracle that feeds it to the thousands.

What a good God we have! Let God be praised. 

Why I write.

_{I've always liked writing more than speaking. The thinking process is allowed to be more organised and I can have all the time I need to find the right words, which tends to be time consuming. But I didn't like to be read. As much as I hoped for someone to be able to understand this world I enclosed myself in, this bubble is too private, too sensitive and too vulnerable. Because what kind of person you are are revealed by what kind of words you used. And this I knew well, that I am about to expose myself, how self conscious I am, how shallow my views are, and how depressing I can be.}

_{When I was younger, I keep blogs. Those came out from an intense fear that I would one day forget all the important things to me. Because all the people that I encountered, all the experiences I had went through, all the large and little moments made me who I am and formed my perceptions and thoughts. These things are important, what would be left of me if I forgot those? So I hogged onto all of my memories, since I am naturally nostalgically and sentimentally inclined. But it's not possible to squeeze them all in the front shelf of my brain storage, so I had recorded them somewhere to be retrieved when there is a need. It didn't last long though, my lazy love to write was easily halt by the boringness in life which was on repeat every single day.} 

_{The next thought of serious writing came to me a few years later. After many years of filling myself up with dramas and stories, I thought, perhaps, I could write one too? Ha... I had a go at fan fiction. Which was fun, like a trial relationship without commitment. Then I realised even with my desire to write, I actually suck at writing. Its not about the lack of vocabulary or careless grammar, but my biggest flaw is in the content. I really don't know what to write which made me resigned myself to being boring. What other reasons could there be? OTL And then impatience got the better of me and again, laziness played a very big part, withdrawing me back to the comforts of being a spectator to stories, in books and dramas.} 

_{The pull towards writing was on and off. Until a few years after my career was stabilised, my brother graduated from his university and told me that it was now my turn to consider further studying. Even at my initial declination, he insisted that I should take a look at the courses available. And that was what I did. Just browsing. Looking through with specific conditions of budget and area of interest, I found one. I FOUND IT. A part time course in Literature. Never would I have thought of continuing studying, the one thing I disliked. And about the English language on top of that! But strangely enough, almost magically, this idea attracted a burst of excitement. It was something new in a long long time. A conviction that says "This is what I am going to do."}

_{Really? How can I be so sure? I'm not always sure, but the door is wide open for me. Even when I suck at it? Yea, even so. What am I going to be writing? Honestly, I didn't know. Still, I don't know. I have made plans of writing novels, although they have been stuck at the planning stage for ages. But once in awhile, God would drop me a topic or so and that would be my guide. Who are going to read what I write? I don't know as well. My textbook advises to make an effrontery assumption that there are people out there who want to read what we write. Well, the area of influence is out of my control. Thus, my part is to write what needs to be written. Who these pieces of writing reaches will be in His will and in His timing. No matter if it's 1, 10, 100 or 1000, the one in control is Him alone.}

_{So why do I write? It is more than a form of self-expression, for the people around me to understand me and see through what I see. It is no longer just a record of my thoughts, preparing for the day I loose my memories. In my darkest moments of self doubt, this is the spot God opened for me to contribute in His kingdom. This is the part I can play. I found who I am in who God is and this is how I am going to honor him, with my life. That is what I'm going to write, my life. So that people who took the time to look at it can see God in it. That is also the reason why I had decided to post my writings here in this forgotten blog, because this is the prove and the seed that God had planted in me years before I had came into the conclusion I have right now. The first purpose of this blog originated so that I can become transparent and when you see me, you'll see the one who is in me, and let that be God. Even when I forgot about the existence of this, God never did. He brought me back.} 

_{This is how God blessed me. And you who are reading this, God loves you, and He wants to bless you too. I found who I am in Christ. Even in this broken world, even if we are broken people, God is the perfect answer to all our questions. He is the reason why I write.} 

_{PS: Even when I say I'm writing, those won't come out as fast as I would like it to since it is still such a difficult thing for me to do. But whenever I completed one, this will be where they will be posted. Judging from my current speed, probably one every few months. Reflections and comments are welcomed. Thank you for reading them.} 

_{God bless.} 

Self-centredness is a characteristic of the world.

The world taught me it is enough to love myself. Who cares what happens to others or how others feel? Because the world revolves around self, the limits of this world is self. 

Knowing God taught me how to love my sister, my family, my friends. 

To be a better sister, better daughter, better friend, though, I know I still have loads more to learn. I'm so glad that God found me.

Knowing God teach me who I truly am, my new identity in Christ, my growth in becoming a better version of myself. My comfort is in God who knows what I am lacking in (and still loves me for who I am with all my fears and failures), and my God loves me so much that it is His desires to see me grow into all good things. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

Though I am in the world, I am not of the world. I don't want to be. I am a child of God, my Heavenly Father calls me His daughter, gave me a citizenship to Heaven through Jesus. The world I now know, does not limit to self. There's God, there's heaven, it's eternal, and it's real. 

He is alive.

Jesus paid the price, His resurrection is our salvation. He conquered the grave and death, He will reign forever now in victory.

Blessed is the one who believes, for to them are rewarded with life to the fullest, and eternity in Heaven.

Tokyo Japan Day8

Early in the morning, this is the last day. And the last day for us to go Tsukiji Fish Market, we have delayed it long enough, and if we don't come, we won't have any more chances to.

We woke up a little later then planned, so we rushed down on a taxi.
Oh boy, it was so expensive, even though we split the taxi fees to four people, it fee is still quite high.
Around S$8 per person? Imagine 1 person taking the cab, that would be a 32 dollars ride. Crazy!
Unless I am super desperate or crazily rich, I don't think I am ever gonna take a taxi in Japan again.

The inside of the market where the auctions of the fishes were, are only open to a small limited number of foreigners who would wake up at the wee hours to go in. Which meant that we couldn't enter, thus we only lurked around the outside area where the stores and restaurants are opened to public.

Fresh produce looking good.

The day looks very fine too. The white buildings on the right is where the restaurants are, and the lower building on the left are the busy ports and loading/unloading bay. The auction area is much further down to the left.

We were queuing for SuShi Dai. The most popular sushi store in Tsukiji Fish market. We reached there quite early, about 5.30aM or so. Went in around 8.30AM. Queued for a freaking 3 hours, and I'll say that it's quite worth the wait.

Below is showing the set menu.
Omakase Course (Trust the chef course)
This course is different everyday, because it depends heavily on their catch of the day. In the wee hours before the sun got up, they would go to their battle field and get the ingredients. You can only eat their freshest and most delicious sushi if you put some faith in the chef.

The chef is friendly, and speaks some English too. Though we have a huge language barrier, that didn't stop him from trying to interact with us.

It's quite a small store, serving about 16 people max. The owner probably didn't want to compromise their service and quality of the food by serving too many people at once. Through the long wait of 3 hours (sorry to emphasize again), this isn't a place for the half-hearted. You'll need some real motivation and passion to come here. This place, by far, holds one of my most fondness memories in Japan.

Japan and the amazing sushi. I dare say that Sushi Dai, is where real Sushi is.
Chutoro.

Sea urchin. This is my first time trying it, and it surely did not disappoint us.

Horse Mackerel. The chef had already carefully and lovingly seasoned each and every sushi he placed in front of you. And the chef told us jokingly that it would hurt his feelings if you dip this into soy sauce.

Clams. It's so fresh that it's still moving from the shock of saltiness in the soysauce that the chef poured over right in front of you. Really cool.

Tuna, Deliciously marinated.

Another unforgettable, Ootoro. So fatty and so delicious, it melts in your mouth.
Don't even have to chew much, it just breaks apart. Makes me go into a dreamy state.
But this time, I was so full. I don't normally take breakfast this early, and my stomach wasn't ready to work. I'm full to the brimmed and almost missed this!!! The funny chef had very kindly reduce the amount of rice so that he could fed me more sushi. Very grateful to him and the friendly lady who was serving us.

While on the other hand, my friends from the other group who were in Tokyo went to Tsukiji too, but at a totally different timing. They went to this store below, Okame.

As advertized in Shiru Shiru Mishiru Sunday.

The same right?!?! For those with lower budget, but still want to try some awesome seafood, why not try them here? haha =]

Smelling fishy after returning from Tsukiji.
Since this is the last day, we have decided to split up and go wherever you want to go.
Sindy and I went to a salon in Rox.
We actually wanted to go to a neighbour salon just a little further down our hostel, but it was packed, full of aunties. = =

So we walked around, and finally found MIQ in Rox. I think this is the incident that I thanked God the hardest. Praise the Lord, and this is really such a wonderful find.

I have always wanted to cut my hair for quite a long time now.

And like finally did in Japan, which I am very glad for their great style are care for the hair.
Now, I just have to find somewhere that can maintain this cut.

After that, Sindy and Bellra went off to Akihabara (I think).
I stayed behind in Asakusa because I wanted to go to Kappabashi, it is just a street behind our hostel.

It's a street where it specialized in Kitchen equipment.

From uniforms...

To Japanese knives...

Bamboo stuff...

Racks...

Glasswares.

Lots of pots, pans, stoves...

And furniture....
This, I saw them selling very cute boxes. I would have loved to buy some if my luggage had not been filled to the brim. Really, I'm not kidding. I can't even lift it up anymore... and twice I tried to, twice I cut my toes with the edge of the overweight monster. Bought too much sovenirs.
but the boxes are just so cute....... They are on sale too... T-T

yup, and this is the Kappa.


Found a lovely cafe, great for the summer weather, but I was still so full from my sushi breakfast.

Before we came on this trip, we checked online to see if there are any festivals we can join, but very sadly there wasn't any around this timing. Well, at least there is not one that is registered online.
While walking through Kappabashi, there's a street that is super noisy. The children are having their summer holiday and this is their festival and celebration.

Surrounded by many children and games in the matsuri.

The real Japanese festival style Chocolate banana.

Cotton candy. =]

The scope game. This little girl is so cute > <

Snow cones with your preferred flavours to fight the blazing sun.

Children's toys. There were many kids wearing their traditional costume, which is too cute! > <

Kingyo sukui, the fishing game. I didn't know they have tortoise and the big goldfish in there too...
It's really too bad that I don't have any small change, I only had 10,000yen notes with me =[
I wanted to try to catch some fishes too...
I saw a young mother who caught a bowl full of fishes and the tortoise, excellent skills!
Wanted to ask her to teach me, but hm... my Japanese is embarrassingly broken.

There is a local shrine temple deep within the neighbourhood, and this mini festival is just outside this temple.

Children gathered to lift and transport their Omikoshi, with the help of an uncle who wasn't wearing any pants. jk~

Must be tiring. Or not, the adults are helping out too.

There's much more to this festival, more food and games.
But with my new hair cut, sunglasses, a deep blue dress and thin demin bolero, I'm looking as foreign as I could possibly be. I mean, I'm standing out a little too much and I'm getting stared, even though I am black haired, yellow skinned and definitely Asian.


For lunch, On my way back from the Kappabashi towards the Asakusa station, I past by this store.
Luckily, I was trained in reading Hiragana, they were selling okonomiyaki and monjayaki.
Something that is on my to-try-list.
The store is called Shichi Go San.

They have English menus, and a guide line as to how to cook and eat monjya.

This is a lovely family restaurant. Mr owner speaks in English fluently, and the store assistance is from China, so if you are English or Chinese speaking, you can come here too. =]

Mr owner knew I have no idea how to do this, so he came to my help.

Actually, it looks delicious just like that. Colourful and bright.

frying the ingredients.

Uncle cooked it so fast. =]
I was hungry so I ate everything.

Walking back to the streets of Asakusa.

Saw this very cute piggy teapots. Hmm... Actually, now that I'm looking at it closely, they don't look like teapots. No idea what is that...

Noisy streets bursting with life. People are loudly advertising everywhere.

A snack made out of a whole squid.

They treated their tomatoes with lots of love, packing it so nicely...

Soft cream ice cream.

Just a little while before it's time to meet up again, I went to Matsuri-yu in Rox.
Throughout the trip, we didn't go to any Onsen, and this bath house is my substitute.
The others didn't want to go so I went their alone. It was so much fun.
I have tried their many different types of baths.
Even though I wasn't sure if I was doing the things right or not and I had only spend a short one hour in there.
It was really so much fun.
Wanted to spend more time in there. Next time, if I had the chance.
Orh, next time, I'll go to a real onsen too.

The night we were leaving.


On our way to the airport.

Really sad to be leaving.

Bought a whole lot of these as souvenirs. My Japanese boss came to visit the Singapore branch sometime ago and he brought us some snacks, which happened to be Tokyo Banana. They are cute and delicious, and they make excellent souvenirs.

This is a random lip balm I bought from their local watson-like stores.
It's choppar and sunny, who wouldn't buy them?

Thank God, for keeping us save through the trip. Thank God, for being so patience with me, even though I wasn't spending much time with him. Thank God for the people I was with, for the people I met and for the people who had helped us on this trip. Thank God for the experience, Thank God for the delicious food, Thank God for all the fun time.

If you are going to Tokyo Japan too, I pray that you'll have a fun time, great experience and safe journey!

God Bless~