Why I write.

_{I've always liked writing more than speaking. The thinking process is allowed to be more organised and I can have all the time I need to find the right words, which tends to be time consuming. But I didn't like to be read. As much as I hoped for someone to be able to understand this world I enclosed myself in, this bubble is too private, too sensitive and too vulnerable. Because what kind of person you are are revealed by what kind of words you used. And this I knew well, that I am about to expose myself, how self conscious I am, how shallow my views are, and how depressing I can be.}

_{When I was younger, I keep blogs. Those came out from an intense fear that I would one day forget all the important things to me. Because all the people that I encountered, all the experiences I had went through, all the large and little moments made me who I am and formed my perceptions and thoughts. These things are important, what would be left of me if I forgot those? So I hogged onto all of my memories, since I am naturally nostalgically and sentimentally inclined. But it's not possible to squeeze them all in the front shelf of my brain storage, so I had recorded them somewhere to be retrieved when there is a need. It didn't last long though, my lazy love to write was easily halt by the boringness in life which was on repeat every single day.} 

_{The next thought of serious writing came to me a few years later. After many years of filling myself up with dramas and stories, I thought, perhaps, I could write one too? Ha... I had a go at fan fiction. Which was fun, like a trial relationship without commitment. Then I realised even with my desire to write, I actually suck at writing. Its not about the lack of vocabulary or careless grammar, but my biggest flaw is in the content. I really don't know what to write which made me resigned myself to being boring. What other reasons could there be? OTL And then impatience got the better of me and again, laziness played a very big part, withdrawing me back to the comforts of being a spectator to stories, in books and dramas.} 

_{The pull towards writing was on and off. Until a few years after my career was stabilised, my brother graduated from his university and told me that it was now my turn to consider further studying. Even at my initial declination, he insisted that I should take a look at the courses available. And that was what I did. Just browsing. Looking through with specific conditions of budget and area of interest, I found one. I FOUND IT. A part time course in Literature. Never would I have thought of continuing studying, the one thing I disliked. And about the English language on top of that! But strangely enough, almost magically, this idea attracted a burst of excitement. It was something new in a long long time. A conviction that says "This is what I am going to do."}

_{Really? How can I be so sure? I'm not always sure, but the door is wide open for me. Even when I suck at it? Yea, even so. What am I going to be writing? Honestly, I didn't know. Still, I don't know. I have made plans of writing novels, although they have been stuck at the planning stage for ages. But once in awhile, God would drop me a topic or so and that would be my guide. Who are going to read what I write? I don't know as well. My textbook advises to make an effrontery assumption that there are people out there who want to read what we write. Well, the area of influence is out of my control. Thus, my part is to write what needs to be written. Who these pieces of writing reaches will be in His will and in His timing. No matter if it's 1, 10, 100 or 1000, the one in control is Him alone.}

_{So why do I write? It is more than a form of self-expression, for the people around me to understand me and see through what I see. It is no longer just a record of my thoughts, preparing for the day I loose my memories. In my darkest moments of self doubt, this is the spot God opened for me to contribute in His kingdom. This is the part I can play. I found who I am in who God is and this is how I am going to honor him, with my life. That is what I'm going to write, my life. So that people who took the time to look at it can see God in it. That is also the reason why I had decided to post my writings here in this forgotten blog, because this is the prove and the seed that God had planted in me years before I had came into the conclusion I have right now. The first purpose of this blog originated so that I can become transparent and when you see me, you'll see the one who is in me, and let that be God. Even when I forgot about the existence of this, God never did. He brought me back.} 

_{This is how God blessed me. And you who are reading this, God loves you, and He wants to bless you too. I found who I am in Christ. Even in this broken world, even if we are broken people, God is the perfect answer to all our questions. He is the reason why I write.} 

_{PS: Even when I say I'm writing, those won't come out as fast as I would like it to since it is still such a difficult thing for me to do. But whenever I completed one, this will be where they will be posted. Judging from my current speed, probably one every few months. Reflections and comments are welcomed. Thank you for reading them.} 

_{God bless.}